STL #2: The Grand Communist Conspiracy Theory

My Thoughts On: October 7th, 2003

They're everywhere! Those wacky Communists are breaking in on all sides, trying to stick it to da man. Good ol' PA here to save the day, fighting the good fight on the front lines, and shedding a little light on the conspiracy bigger than even the Bilderberg group, the Free Masons, the UN and the WTO! Combined! Really! C.R.A.C.K.E.R.'s beware!

It's Good ol' PA here, ready to shed a little light on a few things. Today's expose will be on...

The Grand Communist Conspiracy!

Now, being your frontrunner on exposing the "New American Myth", I have been investigating local underground unheard-of (literally) super-secret Communist meetings, and I finally got to that one meeting where all the redshirts meet and plan global domination. You'd be surprised, but there really is one room where they all meet and scheme their new world order (NWO ), it was at a DoubleTree hotel downtown, and their budget sucks, so they could only get the small conference room to be shared with Mothers Against Drunk Driving later that evening. Typical Communism I guess.

I know that it is my duty, as a part of the 'NAM staff, to expose their dirty secrets to the world. I took photocopies of their secret plans and will present my findings here, with comments in grey. Make sure you are sitting down before you go any further, on the ground, just to be safe from falling out of your chair. This is the heavy stuff. What follows is a transcript from the speech given by the head of the table, drawn from a bulleted list displayed through a PowerPoint presentation. It was surprisingly like an Amway seminar.

The following account may or may not be highly fictionalized, and if it is, the people mentioned may or may not be a part of a real global Communist conspiracy. You be the judge.


Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the October 3rd 2003 meeting of the Communist Revolution and American Comrade Krusade for Economic Revolt (C.R.A.C.K.E.R.). We are wrapping up some of our yearly goals and revising our agenda a little here and there to match our goals. It's great that most of you have turned out, nice to see so many old faces, and a few new faces. Thanks for showing up.

1. Abolishing Private Property

Well, we haven't done it yet, but we gotta keep pushing forward. It isn't about abolishing private property anymore - at least, not in name. People like the sound of "private property". It empowers them. So I want to propose that we keep the wording "private property", and simply hyper-regulate the reality of it out of existance, as opposed to institutionally throwing it away. All in favor?

The group at the large half-circle set of tables, seating a hundred or so high-ranking politicians, businessmen and social leaders, unanimously say "Yay" in support.

Well then, we don't even need to hear the Nays. That resolution makes it into our agenda. Let's go on to the next topic.

2. The IRS

Our last meeting, Sept. the 18th in Tampa Bay, we concluded that we had done a great job with the IRS and progressive income taxation internationally (esp. in Sweden and France), and with our friend and senior fellow Everson making sure that more American tax collectors are hired and the tax code gets vastly more confusing, we are in the green light as far as this goes in the United States. Good job, guys.

This was met with a standing ovation.

3. Estate Taxes

What are you guys doing? Who let this one slip up? The trendy hyper-rich are all socialist, so obviously they are out BEGGING us to tax them, and here we have an opportunity to prolongue the class warfare, and what did you guys do? Let Congress abolish the estate tax, that's what.

At this point, corporate members of the table George Soros, Warren Buffett and Paul Newman all got up and started arguing amongst one another. We went back to the speaker...

Look, you guys got money, and you can't buy us a simple death tax? You skirt those income taxes enough, you can afford it, what we really need is to hit those newly rich bourgeois, knock them down before they build fortunes and start new innovative businesses. We can't have that, if the Bourgeois start having rich kids with power, we will have a fight on our hands. Do you three want that kind of brutal capitalistic competition? Afraid it'll put you out of business? This generational spending campaign is going to put you in the poorhouse if you don't shut up and sit down. We gotta take the bull by the horns, ladies and gentlemen.

Senator Carl Levin (D-Michigan) stands up at the table and says "Well I tried my best, but no one backed me. Without the coffers of those dead rich bastards opened up, we can't attack this whole Medicare expansion/college funding thing we discussed at the last meeting. I'm scared."

Be scared, be very scared. The estate tax is something we really need to work on. If not, then taxes across the board might be challenged, and without taxes, how can we fund all of our Communist nationalization and propaganda? We can't. Start putting on those thinking caps, gentlemen.

4. Private Property Confiscations

I'd like to declare that confiscations are at an all-time high, give yourselves a round of applause gentlemen.

Group applauds.

Here is someone we all helped get appointed, Mr. John P. Walters, a big time mover in our little organization, to discuss with you the successes of using the drug war to our benefit.

"Thanks everyone. With administration changes in the last few years, we're doing more than ever to confiscate private property. New seizure laws let us confiscate property before convictions are ever sought. Let's give ourselves a hand for helping the state confiscate more everyday!"

Table applauses.

Some reassuring words from our Drug War team captain. Let's hear a short report from our Eminent Domain team captain, New York Governor George Pataki.

"Why not? That's what I say, when asked about eminent domain. Your city want a $1.25 billion redevelopment plan to sell off land to commercial yachting, shipping, tourism, and preservation? Ship them bastards out. 1,500 homes? Just condemn them. It's just that easy. Ask for the results of the city council in Riviera Beach, Florida. The SWIDA in St. Louis, they know how it goes. Boston is willing to fight for their Boston Redevelopment Authority, we should all embrace these easy measures to promote confiscation of wealth over - gasp - working for it. Take it from me and my project in downtown Manhattan, why not develop outside ground zero by using some eminent domain confiscations and some corporate developer reselling? Here we come back to that question again, 'Why not?'"

"Sure, some of you might have philosophical problems with this as it might promote corporate interests, but it's not the typical interest of truly bourgeois organizations and corporations. Those bourgeois organizations wouldn't work with government like that, after all, their goals are free markets, not markets for 'the people' (select laughter from various listeners) - like our eminent domain market."

"Simply put, the business we want is the business who would buy out those 148 acres of seized land, not the business that would let the landowners choose and respect their decision... after all, those petty bourgeois own land! That's terrible! An organization which disrespects the decision by one person to own land, and who turns to city council at the drop of a dime to ask they condemn it sooner than support property rights by trying to get it legitimately, THAT is an organization that's pro-CRACKER. Tell me, am I wrong?"

Table has minor deliberation, with some spoken words in support.

Indeed comrades, he has a point. We must not let our support of state/federal property confiscation go the way of estate taxes. If these mechanisms don't stay in place, we will have a hard time with that NWO .

Eye on the prize gentlemen, eye on the prize.

5. The Federal Reserve System

We have done a great job centralizing all the banking authorities into one power. Without private banking, the government has total control over the entire economy. Want more wealth? Just print some more out. Sure inflation will follow, but who cares? That just hurts the bourgeois system more, and helps out our system.

After all, there are things more important than money, like GLOBAL DOMINATION!

So today here we need to take a vote. For the next fiscal cycle, should we print more money and tax more, or should we print more money and deficit spend?

A show of hands for printing more and taxing more?

A little under half of the people raise their hands. The speaker counts.

Okay, thanks. How about a show of hands for printing more and deficit spending?

The remainder raise their hands, the speaker counts. Seven people raised their hands both times.

C'mon Mr. Greenspan, Ferguson, Gramlich, Bies, Olson, Bernanke, and Kohn. That's funny and all, but you can't vote twice.

Laughter. Greenspan gets up and says, "Mr. Speaker, you know we really don't care! So long as the seven of us get the right to micromanage the economy, ignoring any standard of gold and going by the vague rule of thumb that are interest rates, we do CRACKER an unlimited amount of good. After all, if we had stable private banks running it all, how can we spread the anti-Capitalist 'Boom/Bust' propaganda? The economy would be too stable to fluxuate with strong bourgeois banks. I know I'm not the only one who does not want to fight against those kind of odds, which is why we must keep the Fed strong."

Wise words from a good friend. So, after a count of hands it seems that during the next administration we will... print more and deficit spend! Let's stick to this one everybody.

Tableside, George Bush Jr., Sr. and an alzheimer-ridden Ronald Reagan applaud the decision.

6. FCC

With radio, television, movies, the press, we've done a great job with the FCC. If it's a word we think we want off tv, all we have to do is write it down on a big list. If there is a movie we don't like, we can shaft it with legal problems over everything from set design to movie rating. But let's be honest people. We're cowtowing, and there is a bigger threat that's no longer on the horizon, but here at home. The Internet.

Table clamors at the word.

We can silence the majority of our political opposition, we can limit the amount of advertising political campaigns can run, we can limit commercial uses of the media, we can forcefeed our own public service announcements and our pet projects down people's throats, and bribe networks through the Debate Commission to air our views and our views only. But the internet is a place we can't regulate yet, and we need to talk about that. I remember 8 years ago, when we had Jim Exon and Slade Gorton helping CRACKER pass that Communications Decency Act. It was targeted at pornography but I think we all know the big picture; I remember then as I do now how big the threat of the internet could be to our organization and those like it. We don't need some electronic red light district for those dirty bourgeois stirring up opposition to the cause.

Here we have a few options. A new anti-Spam movement seems to be a great way to start sneaking in CRACKER provisions. Anyone see an email tax in the future? I do. Why, if we create a Do-Not-Email registry, like we did with the Do-Not-Call registry, we would need some kind of funding. Increased taxes on ISPs or end-user fees come to mind immediately. Once we get one new kind of tax or one new kind of fee or one new provision to fine - we got a hundred more.

What we need are ideas. One of our idea men, the Green Lantern himself, senior fellow Ralph Nader, would like to speak on his proposal.

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I've been trying for years to stop this runaway train with no conductor that we call the 'internet', and it's really frustrating. What we need is your backing on a World Consumer Protection Organization, to help stop the fraud that is private trade over the internet, and to help us impose fines, taxes and jailtime on many of our petty bourgeois opponents indiscriminately. Let's secure online privacy, even if it means spying on every internet user. Technology is getting far ahead of us. We need to bankrupt it, throw it backwards about 10 years, and push it back to soup cans and vaccuum tubes. Only then can we really control it."

"If we sit on this one folks, it could get ugly. People could start demanding more complex and intricate services, home use could expand, and more people could be exposed to private solutions that would make them not need CRACKER-esque legislation... thus limiting the powers of the government. Already home users are figuring out how to employ simplified private spam blocking and internet security tools - we lose out, as Communists, to not force them to make us do it for them, for a 'price'. And picking presidents doesn't mean squat if they don't have virtually unlimited control over things like the internet."

Very well said, Mr. Nader. We need more idea-men like you here on the board.

7. Departmentalizationism

With the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce and Labor, the Evironmental Protection Agency, Bureau of Land Management, Bureau of Reclamation, Bureau of Mines, and the National Park Service - we're doing a good job of making sure private workers are nonexistant in public preservation efforts and major agricultural industry. Let's do to the world what we did to Cotton, the Fabric of our Lives ?. Let's philander and price-fix our way into total control of the markets.

And let's not even squander the accomplishments of the good old Department of Energy. Without you guys, we'd have one hell of a hard time on our hands keeping alternative energy resources from springing up and outcompeting government sectors. Can't have that, hell, half our control of international trade and our manipulation of foreign relations relies on America's major dependence on oil. Without the government to force private energy alternatives out of the waters, America's dependence on oil will wane, thus bringing down the whole house of cards. If we are going to have another solution, let it be a government solution, not a bourgeois solution.

Getting the priorities in vision, ladies and gentlemen, that's what this meeting is about. CRACKER priorities come first. Which means backing those state-held interstate transportation departments and hoarding labour for the government sector.


The key to Communism is what? Can I get some suggestions?

Nadine Strossen, President of the ACLU, stands up and says "Suing the pants off bourgeois corporations?"

No, but good try Nadine. Can I get some other suggestions?

Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. raises his hand and answers, "Constitutional Revisionism?"

No, but you're getting closer. One last try...

Marianne L. Horinko, Acting Administrator of the EPA, stands up and says "Regulation?"

That was the answer I was looking for, good job. Regulations require little of the budget to impliment, but control most of the economy. It's only through regulations that we can really rule the world. What good is ruling over nations when you can't boss people around with regulatory agencies? The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is a great way to break down bourgeois institutions. We might as well be running them ourselves! We can tell any employer how many breaks he must give his employees - and when - we can tell him who he can and can't hire, what he must buy to be in business, put quotas on health standards, put quotas on work times and pay rates, fix wages... virtually anything. All through the EEOC.

We must use this authority more if we are going to make the most of world domination. Fellow Comrades, regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation regulation! It's the only way we can have a government spend $17 billion on regulatory agencies but still cost Capitalist consumerists $668 billion, the potential in regulatory agencies is endless. Do I have to beat it into you like peasant kulaks in Siberian death camps? We have a goal here, world domination. EYE ON THE PRIZE.

9. Zoning

It was concluded on the meeting of the 18th that Zoning improvements need to be made. "Why hire a bunch of goons to run the cities of the world for us if we can't control something so simple as how many feet high you can build your fence or how low your roof can overhang?" Mr. Moore accurately pointed out. So we decided that city "congestion" will be more of an issue in political elections. As we all know, only those petty bourgeois would not make enough parking spots, and be damned if we're going to give them a break, they don't need those businesses and "jobs", that's something for the state to provide. After all, how can we bitch about urban sprawl if we don't create zoning laws to force urban sprawl by limiting how condensed the inner city can get, forcing cities to buy up more outlaying land for commercial and residential use?

"Hear-hear!" says Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) in approval, tableside.

This is even a great way for the nations of the world to recognize whether or not our political opponents are in the right KIND of building or not to do their political opposition. After all, if they aren't, we can always arrest the lot of them and turn their land over to criminal wayhouses.

10. Public Schools & Universities

Campuses and schools are more openly Communist than ever, owned entirely by the government per our own wonderful Communist Manifesto. Give yourselves a hand once again folks.

Group applauses.

We want to rule the world, ladies and gentlemen, and when it comes to schools, they are ruled. CRACKER, being the powerful conspiracy it is, hand picks the political leaders, and those leaders get total dictatorial powers over the school systems, controlling everything from funding to curriculum to attendance requirements to schedule to extracurricular activities. Why? Because we've done our best to make sure that those private, capitalist, filthy bourgeois don't own those schools - and that our NWO leaders do.

Want to rule the world? Why not do like some great Communists before you have done, and pass laws controlling what is taught in schools? Don't like religion or prayer? Make a law saying no child can engage in it. Like religion and prayer? Make a law saying all of them must engage in it. Either way, the law is there, your rule is there, and we must give ourselves another round of applause folks because this is the way to go.

Group applauses.

CRACKER has always been about empowering superpower governments with the tools necessary to truly rule their populations, and institute Communist ideals. Well, nothing says Communism like "Public", or as we like to call back home, "Nationalized", Schools. Taxation for the social service of brainwashing your kids. Can any of you think of a Communist nation that came into power without the schools being employed fully in it's services? There really are none.

We teach what we want. And with college campuses having more openly socialist professors now than ever before, we are on the fast track. Eyes on that prize folks, square right there.

That concludes my lecture, thanks for attending everybody! Our next meeting will be on December 15th, and the topic will be "A Red Christmas." I hope to see you all there. Alan Greenspan will give us a lovely lecture about how to invest your christmastime "cheer" in ways that help out the CRACKER agenda, and why he turned his back on the bourgeois gold standard. We'll also have a spotlight on the "Zionist World Conspiracy" - How fake conspiracies can help our real one.

Senator Robert C. Byrd murmers, "Filthy fucking Jews."

Okay folks, we're ready to adjourn. The MADD folks are getting angry that we're going past schedule, I wanna make a quick announcement that some of us are meeting at Hilary's conference room upstairs for milk and cookies, I know I'll be there... so let's all recite the group motto and officially wrap things up. Everybody say it with me, (in unison)

"A good CRACKER never crumbles!" (applause)

I got out of that meeting as quickly as I could so I could report my findings. I'm sure that somewhere in these secret Communist plans is something to shed a little light on that so-called "New American Myth". Until next time (assuming Communist agents don't assassinate me between then and now) this is Phoebus Apollo, signing off.

- Good ol' PA