Reviews from the Aisle #3

My Thoughts On: August 25th, 2003

Part 3 of a series I discontinued before I properly finished. Oh well.

After some laxness on my part, I decided to slap together another Review from the Aisle. In the last week or so we've had a lot of movies come and go, so I got a lot of comments to make. Like my other reviews, I'm going to bounce from movie to movie, with comments along the way of related impressions, thoughts on scenes I may have seen, a general review, and anecdotes sprinkled here and there - all from my perspective as a general lowly movie theater employee. Because this is information from the ''inside'', I got a...


Reading this article may spoil key elements of any movie out in a theater today, since I openly discuss what I see and hear going about my casual usher business.

Well, lots to talk about so might as well get started.

Freaky Friday:

The more I see about this movie, the more I really hate it. Lindsay Lohan (who plays Anna Coleman, the daughter) is a very back and forth actress with a really geeky portrayal of both her daughter/mother person. On the other hand Jamie Lee Curtis (who is the mother, Tess Coleman) is downright annoying. Whoever simplified mother/daughter relationships to this level should be shot. It's no wonder this movie is based on a book that was published in 1976. All criticism aside, I just plain don't like this movie, and due to my forced exposure to it being that I work in a movie theater, I sort have developed a resentment for it. Please, do me a favor and LEAVE when the credits start rolling. After the whole guitar scene, please leave. There is nothing past the guitar scene! GO HOME!

Marci X:

Now, let me start by saying that this movie is stupid. Even if it doesn't take itself seriously it's stupid. And let me also state that on three or four different occassions I went into the movie at the exact same scene... where Marci Feld (Lisa Kudrow) is rapping about the power in her purse. Daymon Wayans, who plays the rap lord Doctor S., is somewhat a good rib on gangster rap icons, but on the same hand, STINKS. Funny scenes in this film are more funny for their trainwreck potential than any kind of intended humor.

I'm sure I'll have more comments on this as it comes along.

Swimming Pool:

Guess what? Shitty French softcore porn lasted about 2 or 3 weeks before it was kicked out of our (and most other) theaters. Just long enough for a few pedophiles to leech in and jack off to it and for some better movies to flood it out.

Uptown Girl:

Another girl/woman switcheroo movie, misbegotten wide-eyed Molly Gunn (Brittany Murphy) plays an enriched daughter of a deceased rock star who winds up on her own when she has to become a nanny to uptight young Lorreaine 'Ray' Schleine (Dakota Fanning). Of course, the gimmick being they are ''about to each other how to act their age'', with Molly teaching Ray how to be a kid while Ray teaches Molly how to become an adult. Both play their parts well, but their parts suck, like the entire movie. So there ya go! (don't see this movie, please, just don't see it)

Finding Nemo:

Now I've commented a lot on this already. Part of what I do at the theater are ''theater checks'' where we go into the movie to check to make sure everything is running smoothly, and walk back out. I always see snippets of the movie. Well, recently, I saw the one major part of the movie I had missed all the while. The beginning. Now that I saw it I thought I'd share the scene because it's incredible and adds a good layer of depth to the opening of the movie. Marlin, a clown fish who is the lead of the movie, is married with his wife and a couple hundred eggs at the edge of the ocean, living a happy life. After running around with his wife, a Barracuda attacks and knocks him out with a viscious thrash. When Marlin wakes, his wife and eggs are all obviously eaten/dead, with exception to a single egg, which was half ripped on one side. Marlin cultivates the egg, Nemo, but Marlin's been pyschologically crippled by the attack and totally fears the ocean, and tries to bring Nemo up as sheltered and closed in as possible. It was a real interesting opening and the scene where Marlin awakes from the attack is very dark. Makes me just want to sit down and see the whole thing head to tail, even though I've seen it in segments so many times I might have well already seen the whole damn thing.

Oh, and an interesting demographic change in Finding Nemo's viewership. I've noticed that later showings with older adults have been filling up. Oddly enough, Finding Nemo seems to be drawning a late-night adult audience.

Freddy Vs. Jason:

Freddy Vs. Jason is a decent popcorn flick, something to bide the time. But I wouldn't pay to see it. I could've saw it at work today, but instead downloaded it. Why? Because I don't see Freddy Vs. Jason as a movie that's all that big. It's a ''low quality cam'' watcher, not a ''gotta have the big screen'' thing. As for the movie itself... it was fine for what it was. They got the physics of Freddy/Jason downpat and had fights both in the dreamworld and the real world and the logic worked. Neither character seemed ''weak'', and when Freddy was in the real world, he still had his supernatural abilities (only more limited), all the stuff seemed consistent with past movies. Dialogue was a little bad, but Jason was a badass. Kinda interesting to see the two movie realities cross and it'd be a cool idea to apply to future movies. It can get way too hip way too fast. I'd probably sit down and watch a sequel, but like this movie, only if I'm really bored. Despite that, on an end note, I would not pay to see this movie. Unlike recent movies like the Hulk, I won't bash this one openly. It was ''okay''. I'll leave it at that.

The Medallion:

Jackie Chan makes another movie and no one cares because it's not good. With exception of course to his fans who undyingly see every film he has ever been in. The Jackie Chan audience is large and come to virtually every movie he does. However, I expect by next week the box office for the movie will drop noticeably, and by week three it'll be off the radar. We'll see though. I'd sooner see The Medallion as a popcorn action movie than watch a lot of other movies in the theater right now. As for actual scenes from the film, all I know is that this has another outtakes reel with Jackie Chan at the end, and well, that's like all the other ones he does in the other movies. Jackie, you so goofy!

Open Range:

Being a Libertarian anytime property rights are made the basis of a movie, I dig it. Renegade and unjust lawmen try to take away the land of several cattle rustlers in a land-grab, only to be stopped by an ex-gun slinger Boss Spearman (Robert Duvall) and his crew defending their rights. A very timely morality tale with seemingly great action, we don't have this movie yet but I'm anticipating seeing it for myself. Of course, being an employee of a movie theater, I've seen many trailers and hear about it's good responses with customers/employees who have seen it.

Bad Boys II:

A lot of people praise this movie. Personally I'm just not into Will Smith/Martin Lawrence. It seems far too... typical. Even the action scenes seem typical. Just, typical.

Pirates of the Caribbean:

Johnny Depp plays a great role as pirate Jack Sparrow, with an entrance that is still amazing. His character makes the film where it would otherwise flop, with comedic elements thrown into a badass pirate element. The film's plot is okay, generic, good movie for a date (trust me on this point). For a movie based on a fucking theme park amusement ride it's surprisingly good.


This movie died a terrible death. Opening weekend it grossed $3.8 million, and by the second week it was down to two showings in the secondhand movie theater (mine), and then by week three it was gone. Thank you for dying a quick painful death.


When will cliche movies like this, otherwise titled ''The Skater Movie'', die the horrible death they deserve? When? Who watches these movies?

28 Days Later:

Now, as I had mentioned in my first two reviews, I have been having a long internal debate over whether to watch this movie. I downloaded it and have it here at home, so I was thinking this would be a ''in the convience of my own home'' thing. But piecing together all the bits of the movie and the comments of customers leaving, even for free in the convience of my own home I probably will NOT see this movie. It just doesn't look like it's worth watching. I get into movies for free even, and I'm not seeing this unless it's a part of a date I'm dragged out on. It leaves that impression of ''not worth my time''.

Secondhand Lions:

Okay, I saw a preview for this movie. I tried to find several different ways to bash this movie since I want the thrashing to be logged before the movie's release date. So I typed out several very harsh paragraphs, only to erase them. Sooner than retype the thorough bashing, I'll just go ahead and print out some of the discarded bashings, and let you decide which one is better.

''Yet another one of those damn coming-of-age stories, Secondhand Lions reeks of poor child acting and poor adult acting thrown in with a silly title and few redeeming elements. It's much like that one episode of the Simpsons where Bart goes off to France to live with two Frenchmen, but is set in the South, has no real element of humor, and has loving uncles instead of fraudulent adopted parents. This movie sucks like a French whore.''

''Boys will be boys and director/writer (how did I guess they were both the same guy?) Tim McCanlies explores that little lion in each of us. Or something of that hippy nature. In the end what this movie winds up being is a bunch of cliches with a cliched title and a stupid but silly but still stupid plot convolution where a boy gets stuck in the boonies with his eccentric uncles and a lion or something of the nature and they all have a wonderful growing experience crapedy crap I can't believe I'm even typing out this crap. This movies is crap and I wouldn't even waste my time watching a PREVIEW for the damn thing.''

''The only good line in this movie is 'I've during two World Wars, killed many men and loved only one woman'. Wait, that line isn't even that good considering that the movie sucks! What a mystical adventure indeed.''

''If I ever was a boy again... I'd shoot the two eccentric uncles in their sleep, take Al Capone's money, and run away a rich man for the rest of my life. Then I'd buy a whole fucking zoo and have a bunch of firsthand lions and laugh my ass off at people who pay to watch shitty film like this while I roll in a pile of dollar bills. I've never felt so young.''

The Cat in the Hat:

I seen a preview for this, another Dr. Suess-based movie which will be released in time for the holiday season, I anticipate that this will be very successful. It seems to stick pretty true to the original story. I was never big on Dr. Suess, well, I liked some of his more motivated political stories and ones with those kinds of themes... but in all truth, even the Cat in the Hat has a basic morality and story to tell. So I may watch it, may not. I don't know what I think of Mike Myers playing the Cat. We'll see. Dakota Fanning did a good job as a apathetic uptight youth in Uptown Girls, from what I've seen, and despite how bad that movie is, it foretells that this might carry through as a somewhat good family movie.

Of course, I'm not a family, so I'm not THAT stoked to hear about it. But if you got youngun's, get hyped. Then get sterilized. You ever hear of overpopulation?

Until next time folks, this is one grumpy usher signing out.

- Good ol' PA