'Dem Kooky Injuns

My Thoughts On: June 16th, 2003

This is a part-sarcastic part-serious piece I did on the cultural misnomer of the Native Americans. This piece isn't done from a rampantly racist perspective, but that might be what people might think reading it at first. The point of this post was to address the event of "Social Segregation", the occurance of society being divided into cultural groups based on race, and not on quality of character. I am a Native American, my father was full blooded and my mother was partial, making me primarily native. Because of this, people expect that I somehow revere the culturally antique tepee weaving Native American indians that you hear about in history books. In truth, those people have next to nothing to do with who I am or my immediate history, their culture is so antique that it has little to no virtue to a man like myself. So why am I expected to participate in it? Because of my RACE. Well this scything post uses more racial slurs than I've ever heard before to lay it in thick - Race does not determine quality of character, or who "my" people are. My people are not the "Native Americans". They are Americans. Libertarians. Gamers. Atheists. The Lower-Middle Class. Us Petty Bourgeois. Most definitely not this culture of antique tribal living that died a couple hundred years ago, the one people attach to me out of Race, which I will always argue, is Race-ist.

Reading AngryGerman's post today reminded me why I hate the drunken pot-smoking redskin natives of America, as was best illustrated by the half-insane half-malnourished "Frankie Fencesitter". You see, I am one, one of those day-glow pink injuns, a proverbial "apple" in the barrel. So let me tell you my story...

My native tribes are the Cherokee and the Navajo. They both have varied, but similarly blanket-ass, historical roots.

The Cherokee, commonly referred to as "trail-walkers", believed that a beetle dug the earth out of a pile of mud, which isn't too far from the truth. After a great buzzard flopped into a mudpit, the bogan huckhole "Cherokee country" was formed. Then the first brother and sister appeared, and the brother wacked the bitch with a fish and she learned out to have sex. The next thing you know it, chiefs sat around lacquering their spearheads while wearing animal tufts and bitching about the sun being too close, as it did take the space beetle a while to get the sun in the right position... this was the beginning of the Keetowah nation. This is when god created a bunch of nit-pickers to warn them about a big "white ball" who will storm in from the east and make them walk west with their grandkids a chug-a-luggin' and tobacco smokin'. The people of the Keetowah were afraid, but too busy eating deer gut to do anything about their predicament. When a bunch of white balls finally arrived on shore in this new land, they seen a bunch of lunatic mohows with paint on their face worrying about who killed the rattlesnake chieftan. The white balls thought this was silly, and attempted to reason with the stupid tee-pee creeping canoe carvers, attempting to show them the virtues of wooden houses and outhouse latrines. Hernado DeSoto told the rest of the white balls about the gasbag cavepeople, and this is what the Europeans noted when they arrived with their guns and habit of dressing in non-fur clothing. They had a long conflict with the bison wackers, until the injuns all got sick from small pox and ran away. They signed a bunch of treaties to give up their land for the sake of living their wahoo lifestyles, and Dragging Canoe bitched about the white man. America bought all the land in the Louisiana purchase, and kicked out the rest of the pie-face natives to Cherokee-land, after dying a lot from having to walk so far to get there. They fought within themselves and then all became Christians. That was the end of Cherokee-land.

Then there was the Navajo, which had a less interesting, but equally delusional and child-like history. They were created by some guy who made the earth from flower pollen, thus being the origin of allergies, and maintained it by Hozjo, which sounds much like Bozo, who was a clown, like the idiots who thought of this story. The Dineh, or the first Navajo people, believed that when the ceremonies of worship cease, the world will end (or, maybe just the allergies will?). After the Americans got sick of them trying to make up their minds and handle their treaties in one group, these buffalo jockeys were sent to Fort Sumner. They went back home after four years of being made fun of by the white man for their silly blanket designs. The Navajo made one contribution to society in the form of their obnoxious and incomprehensible language, so riddled with speech abnormalities that it was used during WWII as complicated war cypher. They also made a lot of baskets. Nowadays these wagon burners think of their lifestyle as equal to modern suburban culture, although the fact that their major reservations lack real broadband cable access counteracts that claim. The Navajo are also known for the shoe game, their abnormally high level of offense taken towards the word "squaw", and their wary prophecies condemning the cloning of sheep.

This is my heritage.

Thank you, America, for getting rid of these people, so I could grow up and become a sane, normal human being. This is the reason I believe "heritage" is a crock of shit. My heritage is the free-market libertarian government given to me by my forefathers, my heritage is atheist philosophy developed by the great humanists of years past, my heritage is cable tv, doritos, safeway brand cola, Nintendo, modern computing... my heritage is everything BUT erecting tee-pees, using buffalo gut for baggage, skinning deer and living in some pervert Agrian Commune society.

As a side story, my father, who gave me most of my native blood and who himself was into his own native culture, died in a car accident while I was still in the womb. He was triple dog-dared to drive the wrong way down a highway on his motorcycle as fast as he can while doped up on marijuana, and ended up running head-first into a minivan.

Good riddance.