Olde Timey #7
Well, it's Phoebus Apollo here again with my periodic Olde Timey Tape Review. For those uninitiated, I watch ESPN pro-wrestling reruns from the days of yesteryear, and review the footage just for you, the avid wrestling fan. It wrecks my Saturday morning, but in my lifeless sleepless daze I get a glimpse into a different time. A time when wrestling was more than a bunch of chairshots and bad angles. A time when the internet wasn't around to foster so much mark-xist crap like 500 lists. A time when the Honky Tonk Man wasn't there to spout off idle threats at you for not giving him money... why would you give him money again? Who knows.
It was a better time. (Or so they tell me.)
Of course, we can't get on with the review until I have my habitual plug of my message board Phoebus Apollo's Tripod. Come visit sometime, especially with feedback.
Disclaimer: The following report is play-by-play commentary, in Xavier's "Recap-A-Pinion" style, I call it as I see it, and the only further editing is basic spellchecking and loose grammatical ends. I try to keep the impression as close to live as I can as not to taint the broadcast's perfectly settled fermentation.
Without further ado, let's get on with the "action"...
It's timey for Olde Timey!
Okay, I'm starting a bit early like I did with the last review. Just catching the tail end of "Roller Derby", the ancestor of "Roller Jam". Needless to say, it was just as bad then as it is now. The announcers are wrapping up now. The T-Birds win again? Pheh. Commercial break.
Oh, we start. Southwest Championship Wrestling. Here is a guy talking to the announcer, looks of a good physical build, saying he wants a belt. The opportunity is passing him by. He mentions his partner Tito Santana... hmm... he continues to say he's tired of waiting for the shot, he came to this country from Poland, and he's mad. Well, there you have it. Who is this guy again? The announcer turns now to the obligatory afro'ed black male. This guy wants a title shot for something or another as well, and he calls out Tank Patton.
Anyways, with that background, we go to Tank Patton the American "Brass Knuckles" champion... huh? The match is underway, his opponent... I don't know. Leo Syckes. Damn! I get distracted for a moment and missed several minutes of the action... hmph. Must be cobwebs from sitting through Roller Derby just to watch this. Either way, with a long series of exchanges over armbars and basicly slow action, they both match up and right now Patton is dominating Leo. Leo breaks out with a series of punches, but Patton busts out with a cast he has on his right arm. The obligatory afro'ed male from the previous interview (above) is here at the announce booth, calling some of the shots, berating Patton's use of the cast. Patton retains control, scoop slam, big knee to the square of the back, and Patton cranks back on Leo's head. Leo fires back, I miss a vital move, two vital moves, headbutt, Patton is in the ropes, Patton gets a big full body slam for the three count. Okay, the announcer was plain confusing me here, he kept confusing the two wrestlers. I apologize for that... I was kinda thrown by the bad announcing, the typing, and the whole obligatory black afro'ed male yapping about something or another. The match is over, the obligatory black afro'ed male tells Patton to get ready for the cage. Get ready for it indeed, Patton.
Commercial break. Good, I need to resolve some issues before I keep going here. DAMN! Damn! Damn! I get all ready, the next match is up, I'm ready to recover some slack from a bad start, and the computer reboots... randomly! Damn you Windows! Damn you Microsoft! Damn you Bill Gates! Damn you all to hell! The second match is half-way through already. Ugh. That's the last of the technical difficulties (I hope).
Tony Blanchard vs. ...Lapago Leon? I don't know if that's the guy's name, either way, he's pounding Blanchard with big elbow drops, Leon tosses Blanchard off the ropes, he knocks Blanchard down, they get in the corner, Blanchard tosses Leon into the ropes and Leon rebounds with this beautiful recovery from a attempted backflip on the part of Blanchard, but Blanchard just looks at him and blasts him, gets a high vertical suplex, and pins him. Noting that I missed most of that action there because I was so incredibly irate from the random reboot. What the hell is that? Good thing I save this text file periodically, or there wouldn't even be this much to my review. Ugh.
These recap-a-pinions, you can't start over. That's the whole point. Well, commercial break, that should give me the time to gather my wits. Now, the rest of this show, the 40 minutes of it that are left, are going to be covered much better.
Oh, hey, we return to Tony Atlas being presented to the crowd, you know, that one sap you saw on MTV's wrestling documentary, only when he was in his prime. Atlas looks in fine physical conditioning and is giving some poses for the crowd from in the ring. The women are all screaming. This guy is in great shape. Attacked from behind by his opponent with vicious and stiff blows! "Rinosa" is his opponent? Close enough for me. Rinosa gets pounded by Atlas in the corner as a reprisal and thrown across the ring, Rinosa gets out of the ring. Oh, I know who that is on color commentary! Dusty Rhodes! If that's not Dusty Rhodes, then shoot me in the club and call me P. Diddy! Rinosa gets back in the ring, he and Atlas shake hands and Atlas just squeezes Rinosa's hand and Rinosa gives the painface. Atlas applies a armbar, shakes his hips, and holds onto it. Rinosa gets into the ropes and we get a rope break. Atlas is just taunting Rinosa now. Atlas comes up but and tries to but does not take down Rinosa in a forward thrust, Rinosa takes Atlas down but Atlas reverses and gets Rinosa into a headlock on the mat. The headlock is taken into a standing position. Atlas is in fine shape. Atlas breaks for a moment to point his finger at Rinosa and back to the headlock. They break up, Rinosa is in the corner, and the announcer mentioned Terry Funk. Who? What? Where? Don't just frivolously bring up names like that! Distracting. Atlas gets Rinosa down to the mat for a pin, but there was no effort placed into it. Rinosa starts beating Atlas, knee to the back, and he just unmercilessly beats him. Eye rake. Atlas is dazed. Atlas fires back through, some good blows, a big huge drop kick, and Atlas gets Rinosa way up into a huge press and slams him. The pin, the win.
Commercial break. I'll spare you the commercial coverage this time. We return to a guy screaming in the mike "You're nothing Scott Casey! You're nothing!". Then, I guess it's Scott here, who rushes up and berates this guy for not signing the contract for a match, and they get into a fight when Scott starts calling this guy "yellow". They both work their way into the ring with another wrestler in the ring, but Tiger (who happens to be the obligatory black afro'ed guy, for the record) and Tony Atlas come to Scott's aid. They are in the ring there... and quick cut to commercial break. I don't know what that segment was supposed to be, but it wasn't pulled off good at all. Then again, this is "Southwest Championship Wrestling" action, I guess it can't get any better. Right.
Okay, the ring clears as we return for two Larry Lane and some other person. I can't get these names down with Tony Atlas screaming into the mike that "2 on 1 is not fair!" like a dimwit. That and the announcer mumbles horribly. Either way, Larry gets a headlock and Manny Fernadez (the opponent) has Lane in a sitting headscissors between the knees as Lane stands upright. They lock up into a dueling armbar, Lane wins over, and gets a elbow in. Brought into the corner, a uppercut, a pair of chops, and Manny gets a armbar on Lane on the mat. Some working over with a few knees to the arm, Manny is working on it. Lane gets a good blow in but it does not shake the hold. Manny is working hard on the arm. Lane takes down Manny and gets a elaborate but short-lived submission hold as Manny immediately reverses it, steps behind Lane and gets him into a crossbow stretch with the knee right on the small of the back. Manny and Lane duke it out into the corner, Manny whips Lane across the ring and Manny gives a double-handed slam to Lane's stomach. Dueling top wristlock. Manny is losing, but no, he comes all the way up and takes Lane down, applies a armbar to Lane on the mat. Lane gets up, couple of elbows to the back of Manny's head, whips him off the rope and hits him with a forearm slam. Slams Manny's head into the turnbuckle, Lane gives a nice backwards gutwrench suplex, and Manny gives Lane one in kind, Manny gets a big vertical suplex, and a two count. Oh, Manny tried a butterfly suplex but it fails horribly as he more or less rolls him over. That was horrible. They back up and lock up, Manny gets a small cradle, Lane and Manny both go back and forth as their cradles slip slightly. Lane kicks but Manny catches the foot and holds on to it. Lane tries to punch Manny as Manny holds on to that outstreched leg, Manny spins Lane, Manny comes up with the elbow but gets poked with what looks like a accidental bump. Lane gets Manny in an abdominal stretch, Manny flips over Lane. Manny whips Lane off the ropes and hits him with a cross-bodyblock. Splash from the one turnbuckle by Manny, then a drop kick from the other by Manny, and the ref calls this match a draw? What? Did it exceed time or something? What the heck? You don't end that with a draw. You don't. That wasn't a half bad match. It was the first somewhat interesting match thus far and it's a draw?
Man, this review is going downhill, fast. Hopefully this last match isn't that bad. First a commercial break. I wonder though, what happened to Dusty Rhodes at the announce stand earlier. He sounded like Rhodes. Maybe it wasn't him, maybe, but I could've swore. If it wasn't though, I'm not going to be happy, because that just makes this whole show even worse than it is now. Which is already pretty bad.
We return from the commercial break to Christopher George Berkley the Third vs., I don't catch the opponent's name due the Tiger's blabbering on the mike. This guy's opponent was the second guy who beat up Scott Casey in the ring before Atlas and Tiger came to Casey's aid. His name is... he puts Berkley the 3rd in a backbreaker, whoever he is, and stretches him out nice. He puts him back and stretches with his hands a surfboard like stretch, he knees Berkley in the small of the back on the left side, and hammers him. This guy too has a cast on his arm, it looks. He applies a bear hug. I can't get the name of this guy. The announcer is now reduced to a meandering old man japanesse spirit from black and white subtitled samurai flicks, I have no idea what the hell this guy is saying anymore. This guy gets the pin over Berkley... whoever he is.
Commercial break. There isn't enough time for another match. This is officially the worst review I've done in this format. One problem after another after another, if it's not the show then it's something happening here to me as I write it. Well, it's a good thing I recorded all this for your pleasure! At least it's something to laugh at. Ugh. I await the last couple minutes of this broadcast, see how they wrap up.
The announcer, speaking in some odd tribal clicks as I can't understand the guy, and the guy who just won the last match is bragging about his wrestling abilities. Yeah, he's going to leave you as a vegetable. He's the "Colonel". Ugh. Tank Patton steps up for some comments, and the announcer in a arabic code, fumbling words like a deaf man, sums up the night and the only thing I can recognize in his speech is "Southwest Championship Wrestling".
All in all, I'll never know if that really was Dusty Rhodes for that brief announce visit, and I really don't care. The whole show was a flop, and so was this review. I hate when the culmination of several hours of missed sleep amounts into a whole lot of nothing. I could've been sleeping. I could've been sleeping. Ugh.
Well, that sums up this sorrid and tarnished Olde Timey Tape Review. Shoot me now.
For more "incredible" wrestling, tune in to ESPN Classics, Saturday mornings on 7:00AM EST.
I'll try to get Xavier to post the feedback from this commentary along with his normal mailbag post. I'm looking for some stories and whatnot from you old fogeys so I can post some memories with the mailbag, so if you remember these days of yore, maybe you where there to laugh at the failed butterfly suplex, speak on up! Just don't speak too loudly, or your dentures might fly out of your mouth!